Say "I love watching you play" — then stop talking. When Bruce Brown asked his departing athletes for their worst sports memory, the answer, year after year, was the car ride home with mom or dad after a game. So save your analysis of their play, the coaching, and the officiating. Your child needs time and space after a game — the more competitive the kid and the sport, the more of it. Be a quiet, reflective listener, keep the big picture — why they play in the first place — and let them bring the game to you. "I love watching you play" covers everything that needs to be said, and it tells your athlete their value is not tied to performance.
Why is the car ride home such a bad memory for athletes?
Bruce Brown conducted exit interviews with his departing athletes every year. Best memories were almost always relationships — bus rides home, locker rooms after big wins. The worst memory, year after year and regardless of age, was the car ride home: trapped, emotions high, while a parent replayed the game. Some high school athletes didn't want to go home at all.
Shouldn't I help my child improve after games?
Advice after the game says, "You don't know how to figure things out, so I'll figure them out for you." Give less of it and they'll ask for more. One father, a professional football player, dropped the play-by-play critiques for: "Good game. I'm proud of you for playing hard and being a great teammate. Where do you want to eat?"
When should a parent bring up the game first?
Almost never. When your child is emotionally past the game and wants to talk, they will bring it to you. The exception: behavior in the game that wouldn't be acceptable at home — profanity, disrespect of authority. Even then, choose your comments and timing carefully, and address it parent to child, not parent to athlete.
Where does "I love watching you play" come from?
From Bruce Brown's Role of Parents in Athletics presentation. A fast-pitch softball pitcher in a college class he taught told him her favorite spectators were her grandparents: win or lose, no-hitter or shelled, they only ever said, "Oh, Natalie, we love watching you play." It says everything that needs saying and gives an athlete freedom to recover after a game.
The phrase is the what — for the how, watch Bruce Brown's full Parents After the Game in the library with a 7-day free trial of membership ($180/year).
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